Metamorphosis

Last night, I was laying awake in bed thinking about my future and it sounds cliche, but I had somewhat of an epiphany. I came to the realization that in no time at all, I will be an "adult," on my own, and that I will rarely see or even speak to some of the people that are currently close to me. All your life, you look forward to turning eighteen, graduating, and moving out. And before you know it, the time comes and somehow you still don't feel ready for it. Yesterday at school we received our graduation tassels and ordered our caps and gowns, and it felt like a dream. I still don't think it's hit me fully and I don't know when it will, but it's starting to sink in and it's a strange feeling. Everyone says your last year of high school flies by so enjoy it while it lasts, and I think I'm already starting to see what they mean. As I've said before, us seniors have so much to think about, it's really helping the time just fly by. We are already one-fourth of the way done with this school year but I feel like the first day was just a short while ago. At this pace it will only be a matter of moments before my eighteenth birthday; before I'm accepting my high school diploma; before I'm packing boxes of all of my belongings and moving out of my childhood home; before I'm getting lost in a big city that I don't know my way around yet; before I'm making new friends and wondering what the heck happened to my old ones; before I'm paying bills; before I'm wishing I could go back to living with my mommy and daddy. And I know that I will look back and wish that I hadn't taken it for granted, I'll wish that I had appreciated every bit of simplicity. I realized all of this, and in grasping this bit of insight I have found myself to be scared to death over it. It's going to be scary for everyone, but I don't think everyone is as freaked out as I am yet; I am known to be one who stresses unnecessarily. But I'd say perhaps I'm a bit ahead of the game at this point, because still many of my peers haven't even thought about their futures while I am mentally preparing myself far ahead of time for everything that I am going to go through within the next year. So maybe this is all a very good thing.

At the same time, while I am recognizing how much is going to change for me very soon, I also am becoming aware that a lot of things aren't going to change at all. For example, having looked forward to turning eighteen my entire life now feels foolish. Now that my birthday is only months away, it feels just like every other birthday I've ever had. I see that on that "special" day when I become a so-called adult, nothing is going to change for me. I won't be buying my own cigarettes because I am not and never will be a smoker (fact), I'm not really one for gambling or the lottery (never really saw the benefit of such), and I don't really intend on going into any military forces (to my fathers dismay). So eighteen is really just another number that will ultimately get me no closer to where I am going to end up either way. Eighteen isn't a magical number that is going to change everything and somehow automatically transform you into your mature, adult self. This small epiphany also brings me some apprehension because the fact that I realize this is just further proof of my logical thinking and maturation.

So I guess the moral of the story is this: it isn't turning eighteen or graduating or even moving out that makes you an adult; what makes you an adult is having the sense enough to know that none of these things are going to be the life-altering things that they are lived up to be, and being ready for the real world and whatever your life is going to have in store for you in the long run.